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it's just a feeling
this must be the feeling of love
18th-Oct-2012 03:39 am
Title: 会うは別れのはじめ (au wa wakaré no hajimé)
Pairing: broken!2Jun
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Letting you go is not as easy as it sounds…

Author Note: I shouldn’t have written this. But I did...oh well.

Lyrics are from Please Don't... by K.Will.
Gif is made by Ranzart on tumblr.

Written to: I'm Sorry - B2ST but you're gonna listen to...

Don't Act Countrified - ALi ft. Yong Junhyung

(Meeting is only the beginning of separation)

Letting you go is not as easy as it sounds…

You know it’s over. He knows it too. So it shouldn’t be this hard to say “I think we should break up” or “let’s stay as friends” but the words still cling to your tongue, refuse to budge past your lips. You don’t want to admit to yourself that three years together, one thousand and ninety-five days (give or take a few) is coming down to this, because your relationship has got to the point of barely repairable, that the only real way to fix it, to fix you both is to just end it.

“We’re over aren’t we?” you murmur almost silently as you stare at your hands. Doojoon slides into the seat opposite you at the kitchen table and you’re hoping, god you’re begging that he’ll say no, no we’re not Jun, we’ll make this work.

But it feels like a sharp slap when instead he replies with an equally quiet, “I think we have been for a while Jun,” because you knew it, you knew deep down (somewhere hidden inside of you) that he’d say that and you’d think your heart would be ready for something like this, you’d think you’d be fucking ready for Yoon Doojoon to break your heart like this.

You were so prepared.

So it shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t because you knew he’d say it and it shouldn’t hurt more because it’s the truth. But it’s unbearable the way you repeat those words over and over, the way they eat at you, straight through you and how they tear at your heartstrings mercilessly because Doojoon doesn’t want you, he’s given up on you and though you may never admit it, somewhere along the line you gave up on him too.

How can that one person do this to you? How can that one person you’ve been so close to be the one to almost destroy you like this? How can that one person you trusted with your everything suddenly willing walk away from you?

“We-we’ve had a good three years Junhyung,” he whispers and you can’t even bring yourself to look at him, “but I think it was inevitable.”

Of course it was. You may have been in love with him, but you weren’t blind. You were (and probably still) just unwilling to fully accept it. You saw how anniversaries went from almost remembering every month to barely remembering a year, you remember how you used to spend almost every second with him to barely seeing him at all, you remember it all, how can you not…

But you want to scream at him, you want to fight him on it, you want to say please, please don’t—please don’t leave me Doojoon, please don’t go—please don’t give up on me, on us. But you can’t. You won’t. You just—you can’t stand him being unhappy like this and even if you did argue back… you’d just embarrass yourself (you always do) because there’s no point trying to save something you both know is barely salvageable.

“I’m sorry,” he carries on, “I’m so sorry,” and you clasp your hands together, forehead resting against them, eyes tightly shut, trying to control yourself, “it was wrong of us—it was wrong of me to keep this going…but the longer I left it Jun—the more painful the idea—”

Your bottom lip is caught so tightly between your teeth and you barely register the pain because it doesn’t compare (nothing ever will) with the artillery fire your heart seems to be dealing with instead. It’s round after round, breaking through your ribcage, shattering you. Doojoon was thinking of breaking up with you, he was meaning to break up with you and you know you were thinking the same thing, you’ve been meaning to do the same thing so you have no right to feel this hurt, this emotional.

But god you feel stupid, you feel stupid for every fight you’d both had in the past over how you tried to push him away, tried to make him go to someone better. He kept fighting for you, kept saying he’d never let you go and you believed him. You feel stupid and pathetic and so small, because look at the situation you’re in (he’s leaving you now, he didn’t want to fight for you, he lost interest in you).

It just shows how words really don’t hold any meaning at all.

“P-please say something…”

“It’s fine,” you reply, “it’s fine—.”

“It’s not…”

“—because we knew this was going to happen.”


“We were just stupid to keep playing along with it.”

He lets out a shaky sigh, eyes staring right at you, pleading for you to just look at him as he whispers, “I love you Jun,” liar, “I know I always will,” liar, “but this—w-we can’t keep going on like this.”

Liar liar liar.

“I can’t tell you how much I love you,” Why’re you lying to me Doojoon? “how much I treasure what we had,” stop, just stop.

The tears are brimming at your eyes as you try to furiously wipe at them.

“I understand,” your voice is wobbling, your defences are crumbling, “we’re over; I get it. It’s fine.”

“No it’s not fine,” and anger rears its ugly head as Doojoon yells back at you, “it’s not fine because I love you, I love you so fucking much Junhyung yet here we are breaking up.” His hands slide into his hair, fingers desperately clutching the strands as tears spill down his cheeks, “it’s killing me—it’s killing me knowing that I’m losing you like this—it’s breaking my heart knowing I’ll not hold you anymore, not get to kiss you again—I already know I’m going to regret this relationship ending Jun—but w-what can we do baby? We can’t keep doing this…”

And that’s what pulls you over the edge because the next thing you know your vision is bleary, your shoulders shaking violently when you cave, sobbing into the palms of your hands.

Three years. Three years dwindling down to this moment.

You’re so distracted trying to not let Doojoon see you like this (so vulnerable, so weak, so pathetic) that you miss how Doojoon flinches, his hand about to make it across the small distance between you (though nowadays it’s gaping, wide and open) to smooth a thumb down your cheek. You miss how his lips part to try and whisper “it’s okay baby, I’m here” and you miss how he stops those words from even coming out, how he retracts his hand to his lap. You miss it all and it’s for the best.

Because it’d just make you cry even more.

“Fuck you,” you yell, “fuck you Yoon Doojoon. You can’t say words like that—you can’t—you just…you can’t do this to me.”

It’s wrong that you’re blaming everything on him (you can’t help it, you can’t after all the times you tried to make him walk away, after all the reassurance that he’d stay by your side); you shouldn’t because you’re to blame too.

And you’re left in silence, your sobs echoing throughout the kitchen. And all you want is Doojoon to rest his hand on your back, run his fingers slowly down your spine in a soothing manner. You want to hold him so badly, wrap your arms around him and never let him go. All you want is Doojoon yet you know you can’t even have him anymore, that after this…

It’s horrible.

It’s horrible letting Doojoon go, letting him walk away from you because it’s so much more than that. It’s not the way where you don’t see him for a period of time and then he comes back. It’s that rip-you-apart kind of way where you know you’ll never see him again.

And the reason why you’ll never see Doojoon again is because you’ll never let yourself. Because when you look at him, straight at him dead on you’ll feel everything he made you feel. When you see Doojoon smile that smile only reserved for you, you’ll remember how you returned it with your own and when you see him link hands with someone else, you’ll realise that you had him once, but you’ll never have him again.

So when he leaves, you want nothing to do with him. You don’t want to be associated with him, want to be so far away from him. You don’t want to recall how Doojoon was (still is, will always be) so perfect for you but didn’t think you were perfect enough for him. You don’t want to remember him because if you can’t have all of him, then you might as well have nothing of him.

"I love you Junhyung, please never doubt that."

It’s just—it’s just painful to know Doojoon’s throwing you back into the pool of seven billion people (you’re not ready to do the same to him) so that eventually you’ll become another face to Yoon Doojoon.

"I love you too."

And worse of all…

…He’ll become just another face to you.

…I turn away, not being able to see you leave.


A/N: BLEURGH, everything sucks. :)

18th-Oct-2012 09:53 am (UTC)
Funny how the first time I go on Beast Attack I see your fic. Although.. I came here looking for cheesy romantic things and you give me this! 8\ Breaking up my favorite pairing thanks. u__u But T__T Jun crying. /sigh/ curse you.
18th-Oct-2012 12:21 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry that this wasn't romantic nor cheesy! D: My bad! But thank you for still reading this and commenting also! Thank you lovely~~~

yes I have this thing for Junhyung crying

fhafhadhjhad TT TT why would you curse me...

18th-Oct-2012 12:13 pm (UTC)
noooooo~~~~~!!!! 2junnie~~~~!
18th-Oct-2012 12:26 pm (UTC)
i know right :(
thank you for reading and commenting ^^~

(Deleted comment)
6th-Nov-2012 06:50 pm (UTC)
aigoo i'm so sorry for the late reply! but thank you thank you thank you for your wonderful comment and for reading this story! :) and i'm sorry to have completely destroyed OTP like this OTL my bad! i ship 2jun pretty hardcore now and i don't know what i was thinking tearing them apart like this

this all wrote itself though because of some stuff that happened in real life B| and normally my life has like no drama in it that is inspiration worthy so i penned this down as quickly as possible haha! but thank you, thank you so much for reading this and i'm sorry for all the feels OTL OTL OTL

it just hits some part of my soul. you affect me emotionaly whenever i read something that you write!!
you make me blush~ that's seriously very sweet of you to say and encourages me a lot because since i've read this so many times (searching down those grammatical errors and what not) the emotion in the words seem to lose themselves to me so i start thinking "ohmygoodness no one's going to find this emotional at all" so really thank you for your lovely words~

and yeah...sometimes people just give up. it's sad right, they blatantly have feelings for one another but feel they can't do anymore for their relationship so BAM! they end it. :s

and your comment is beautiful! :) i'm sorry for the late reply! and...
i'm always happy whenever you update because i know that i'll read something really really goood
jhgfagfahgfjahgjhajghajga i'm going to get such a big head from your words silly! >////<

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

and you should update too with 2jun fluff after your story about doojoon cheating on jun with yoseob! I DEMAND A SEQUEL TO THAT STORY OF PERFECTION :)

19th-Oct-2012 01:57 pm (UTC)
aaaaaaaaaaaaah priya u'r back!!!!!!
still, i couldn't forget "now let go" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang (sound of crying) u made my eyes teary. n another 2jun, it'a angst T____T gonna read it. n leaeve a comment. c u
21st-Oct-2012 12:22 am (UTC)
aigoo I am I am! :)
*hugs you* I'm sorry that story made you cry :(
but yeah...this is angst also...:|
i hope you enjoy the read though
and thank you for your kind message ^^
22nd-Oct-2012 03:02 pm (UTC)
i'm not that kind (aaaaaaaaaah english is so dificult) fighting!
8th-Nov-2012 05:48 am (UTC)
• What happened between u 2jun? Doo don’t u leave. Just back to him please if u realy2 loved him.

26th-Jun-2013 09:50 pm (UTC)
This story is heartbreaking, still I love it *uglysobs*
The end when Junhyung is forced to accept the situation was T_________T Man, I have no words to describe that wonderful piece of work *w*
I hope you'll write someday again... I've noticed it has been a long time since you posted something >o<

Fighting !

18th-Jul-2013 04:06 am (UTC)

Thank you so much for your kind words and for also reading! Yes, I haven't really been on this livejournal all that much, but I'm just going through a lot of writer's block right now :( I shall try my best to post something when I can~

Thank you thank you thank you~
28th-Jul-2013 06:34 pm (UTC)
You're welcome :D

I hope your writer's block won't last long :( What's your problem ? :o Are you unsatisfied with what you are writing or it's just you don't have inspiration anymore ? :(

I'll be waiting for you <3

(Write 2jun ! They deserve it after what you have done to them XD)
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