Title: 会うは別れのはじめ (au wa wakaré no hajimé)Pairing
: Letting you go is not as easy as it sounds…Author Note
: I shouldn’t have written this. But I did...oh well.
Lyrics are from Please Don't... by K.Will
Gif is made by Ranzart
Written to: I'm Sorry - B2ST but you're gonna listen to...
Don't Act Countrified - ALi ft. Yong Junhyung 会うは別れのはじめ(Meeting is only the beginning of separation)
Letting you go is not as easy as it sounds…
You know it’s over. He knows it too. So it shouldn’t be this hard to say “I think we should break up” or “let’s stay as friends” but the words still cling to your tongue, refuse to budge past your lips. You don’t want to admit to yourself that three years together, one thousand and ninety-five days (give or take a few) is coming down to this, because your relationship has got to the point of barely repairable, that the only real way to fix it, to fix you both is to just end it.
“We’re over aren’t we?” you murmur almost silently as you stare at your hands. Doojoon slides into the seat opposite you at the kitchen table and you’re hoping, god you’re begging that he’ll say no, no we’re not Jun, we’ll make this work.
But it feels like a sharp slap when instead he replies with an equally quiet, “I think we have been for a while Jun,” because you knew it, you knew deep down (somewhere hidden inside of you) that he’d say that and you’d think your heart would be ready for something like this, you’d think you’d be fucking ready for Yoon Doojoon to break your heart like this.
You were so prepared.
So it shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t because you knew he’d say it and it shouldn’t hurt more because it’s the truth. But it’s unbearable the way you repeat those words over and over, the way they eat at you, straight through you and how they tear at your heartstrings mercilessly because Doojoon doesn’t want you, he’s given up on you and though you may never admit it, somewhere along the line you gave up on him too.
How can that one person do this to you? How can that one person you’ve been so close to be the one to almost destroy you like this? How can that one person you trusted with your everything suddenly willing walk away from you?
“We-we’ve had a good three years Junhyung,” he whispers and you can’t even bring yourself to look at him, “but I think it was inevitable.”
Of course it was. You may have been in love with him, but you weren’t blind. You were (and probably still) just unwilling to fully accept it. You saw how anniversaries went from almost remembering every month to barely remembering a year, you remember how you used to spend almost every second with him to barely seeing him at all, you remember it all, how can you not…
But you want to scream at him, you want to fight him on it, you want to say please, please don’t—please don’t leave me Doojoon, please don’t go—please don’t give up on me, on us. But you can’t. You won’t. You just—you can’t stand him being unhappy like this and even if you did argue back… you’d just embarrass yourself (you always do) because there’s no point trying to save something you both know is barely salvageable.
“I’m sorry,” he carries on, “I’m so sorry,” and you clasp your hands together, forehead resting against them, eyes tightly shut, trying to control yourself, “it was wrong of us—it was wrong of me to keep this going…but the longer I left it Jun—the more painful the idea—”
Your bottom lip is caught so tightly between your teeth and you barely register the pain because it doesn’t compare (nothing ever will) with the artillery fire your heart seems to be dealing with instead. It’s round after round, breaking through your ribcage, shattering you. Doojoon was thinking of breaking up with you, he was meaning to break up with you and you know you were thinking the same thing, you’ve been meaning to do the same thing so you have no right to feel this hurt, this emotional.
But god you feel stupid, you feel stupid for every fight you’d both had in the past over how you tried to push him away, tried to make him go to someone better. He kept fighting for you, kept saying he’d never let you go and you believed him. You feel stupid and pathetic and so small, because look at the situation you’re in (he’s leaving you now, he didn’t want to fight for you, he lost interest in you).
It just shows how words really don’t hold any meaning at all.
“P-please say something…”
“It’s fine,” you reply, “it’s fine—.”
“—because we knew this was going to happen.”
“We were just stupid to keep playing along with it.”
He lets out a shaky sigh, eyes staring right at you, pleading for you to just look at him as he whispers, “I love you Jun,” liar, “I know I always will,” liar, “but this—w-we can’t keep going on like this.”
Liar liar liar.
“I can’t tell you how much I love you,” Why’re you lying to me Doojoon? “how much I treasure what we had,” stop, just stop.
The tears are brimming at your eyes as you try to furiously wipe at them.
“I understand,” your voice is wobbling, your defences are crumbling, “we’re over; I get it. It’s fine.”
“No it’s not fine,” and anger rears its ugly head as Doojoon yells back at you, “it’s not fine because I love you, I love you so fucking much Junhyung yet here we are breaking up.” His hands slide into his hair, fingers desperately clutching the strands as tears spill down his cheeks, “it’s killing me—it’s killing me knowing that I’m losing you like this—it’s breaking my heart knowing I’ll not hold you anymore, not get to kiss you again—I already know I’m going to regret this relationship ending Jun—but w-what can we do baby? We can’t keep doing this…”
And that’s what pulls you over the edge because the next thing you know your vision is bleary, your shoulders shaking violently when you cave, sobbing into the palms of your hands.
Three years. Three years dwindling down to this moment.
You’re so distracted trying to not let Doojoon see you like this (so vulnerable, so weak, so pathetic) that you miss how Doojoon flinches, his hand about to make it across the small distance between you (though nowadays it’s gaping, wide and open) to smooth a thumb down your cheek. You miss how his lips part to try and whisper “it’s okay baby, I’m here” and you miss how he stops those words from even coming out, how he retracts his hand to his lap. You miss it all and it’s for the best.
Because it’d just make you cry even more.
“Fuck you,” you yell, “fuck you Yoon Doojoon. You can’t say words like that—you can’t—you just…you can’t do this to me.”
It’s wrong that you’re blaming everything on him (you can’t help it, you can’t after all the times you tried to make him walk away, after all the reassurance that he’d stay by your side); you shouldn’t because you’re to blame too.
And you’re left in silence, your sobs echoing throughout the kitchen. And all you want is Doojoon to rest his hand on your back, run his fingers slowly down your spine in a soothing manner. You want to hold him so badly, wrap your arms around him and never let him go. All you want is Doojoon yet you know you can’t even have him anymore, that after this…
It’s horrible letting Doojoon go, letting him walk away from you because it’s so much more than that. It’s not the way where you don’t see him for a period of time and then he comes back. It’s that rip-you-apart kind of way where you know you’ll never see him again.
And the reason why you’ll never see Doojoon again is because you’ll never let yourself. Because when you look at him, straight at him dead on you’ll feel everything he made you feel. When you see Doojoon smile that smile only reserved for you, you’ll remember how you returned it with your own and when you see him link hands with someone else, you’ll realise that you had him once, but you’ll never have him again.
So when he leaves, you want nothing to do with him. You don’t want to be associated with him, want to be so far away from him. You don’t want to recall how Doojoon was (still is, will always be) so perfect for you but didn’t think you were perfect enough for him. You don’t want to remember him because if you can’t have all of him, then you might as well have nothing of him.
"I love you Junhyung, please never doubt that."
It’s just—it’s just painful to know Doojoon’s throwing you back into the pool of seven billion people (you’re not ready to do the same to him) so that eventually you’ll become another face to Yoon Doojoon.
"I love you too."
And worse of all…
…He’ll become just another face to you.
…I turn away, not being able to see you leave.
: BLEURGH, everything sucks. :)